Accomplishing Much in the Desert: My Journey with Depression
Depression is more like an ongoing enemy, but somewhere within myself, I want to call it an old friend. Not because it’s been good to me – no. But because it has always seemed to be more readily by my side than almost anything else for most of my life.
I remember the first time I felt its grip. I was twelve. I started taking birth control at a very young age to curve some health issues I was having, and the benefits of it made me always second guess the depression that walked in hand-in-hand with it. That medication was my companion for six long years. Six years that I wrote off feeling as though I had no hope and no joy and no substance to my soul because I thought it was just teenage angst.
I remember spending so many of those nights in a pool of tears. I felt so completely consumed by a weight I felt in my chest and a blur of disillusionment about my life. I struggled to see my way out of this pit. I felt crazy. Unsure of how to cope and unsure of what would happen if I confessed to my weakness, I pressed on. I fought back feelings of hopelessness and exchanged them for substance abuse and busyness. I thought this was who I was and that I was doing all that could be done.